April 30th, 2012

Pub Survival 101

You surely know how to survive the pub.  You’ve had lots of practice, right?  Well, don’t be ashamed if you haven’t.  After all, by the time you head off to college, you may or may not have passed the magic age that allows you entrance into the hallowed halls of liquid libations.  Not to worry.  We have a primer to pump you up before you hit the keg pumps…

  • Warning Numero Uno :  An Empty Stomach will Have You Running on Empty

Never head out to the pub on an empty tum-tum.  First of all, you will get hungry and want to eat and pub food is expensive and you are on a budget.  Besides, you (or more likely your parents) have probably already paid for a greasy meal plan, so you may use it as well.  Secondly, a fully stomach will give the alcohol something else to burn through besides the lining of the stomach wall.  Thirdly, your stomach will not rumble and grumble when you sidle up to a hottie at the bar.

  • Warning Numero Dos:  Alone Equals Lonely and Lost

Never head out to the pub on your own.  First of all, you will appear to the masses as a person without friends.  People like people who have friends as this seems to prove that there are at least a few likeable and / or trustworthy things about you.  Secondly, if you do find some people that spike your romantic interest, you’ll need a couple of trusted wing-men (or wing-women.)  Thirdly, if by some remote and unthinkable means you get rip-snorting drunk, there will be a posse of people who will be able to make sure that you get home with some measure of safety and dignity.

  • Warning NumeroTres:  Body Knows Best

Never ignore your body signals.  For example, if your body starts feeling sick, pay very close attention.  Do you have the urge to swallow a lot?  Have you been wracked with hiccups?  Do you feel a queasy, churning sensation in your gut?  Do you have a burning sensation rising in your throat?  Never argue with these symptoms.  Run (don’t walk) to the closest bathroom or sink or bush: the more private, the better.

  • Warning Numero Cuarto:  Big Brother Is Watching

Do everything in your limited and youthful power to prevent yourself from acting or looking like a jackass.  Pretty much everyone has cameras in their cellphones today and the Uni crowd is not afraid to use them. Don’t end up on Facebook or YouTube as the next idiot sensation.  Social media tends to spread far and wide with lightning speed and a very long-term memory.

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